Folks, the platform colloquially referred to as Bluecry is many things.

It’s a place where furries can gather to enjoy a relaxing night of yanking their tails to cartoon erotica.

A place where the Krassenstein bros can post Resistance Lib politi-porn slop without fear of getting ratioed into oblivion.

A place where Kara Swisher can save money on mental health treatment by keyboard-venting her unhinged thoughts for the enjoyment of barking seals like “@TrumpIsHitlerCatMom247” in lieu of spewing that psychotic prattle into the ear of some poor, overworked therapist.

But one thing Bluecry is not?

A place for level-headed economic analysis when fascist Orange Man is in office.

That’s right — if you thought this week’s tariff discourse was a shitstorm on X, just wait till you see some of Bluesky’s hot takes. I’ve enclosed some for your viewing pleasure after making yet another (unadvisable) digital pilgrimage to the dark side.

Let’s get to this week’s column.

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On X this week, as Trump’s “Liberation Day” tariff announcements gave way to subsequent stock market plunge, a great debate broke out between “Plan Trusters” and “Panicans.”

Market screenshots littered the timeline and more than a few insults were dished out in the replies as everyone you knew became Wharton-credentialed experts in supply chain management all of a sudden.

But debates and insults? Those are par for the course on the internet. Over on Bluesky, what we saw was something far more sinister: a hivemind, if you will, that activated on command to call for Trump’s impeachment — nay, his execution — for daring to temporarily tank the S&P 500 like this (a hilarious proposition, given that many of these people will also tell you that corporations are the root of all evil and their CEOs deserve to be shot in the street).

Here were some of the more… creative strategies Blueskyers used to bash Trump’s tariff moves:

#1) Bluesky’s galaxy brain tariff takes

We begin with this.

A total checkmate here from early 2000s indie rocker Mikel Jollett of Airborne Toxic Event fame.

Finally, at long last, after multiple failed attempts…we’ve found the smoking gun proving once and for all that Trump is indeed a Russian asset.

Or, it would be if Russia was a trading partner. But, back here in reality, placing tariffs on Russian goods would be pointless because we’ve already sanctioned the country to smithereens on account of the Ukrainian war. Which, despite that flag in your bio, I guess you forgot about!

(They’re really not sending their best, folks).

Meanwhile… I’m 85% convinced this website is just a Canadian intelligence operation at this point:

15 thousand likes? For a picture of the Canadian dollar?!? You people are sick.

(PSA to our northern neighbors: if you agree to take in all of America’s Blueskyers, we will never threaten to tariff your silly little country ever again).

Lastly, for one final bit of Bluesky tariff analysis…you simply have to check out this nugget of gold from user “Mean Fat Girl”:

It’s perfect.

No notes.

Who indeed will they send the money they collect to, Ms. Fat Girl?

You can practically see the smoke billowing from her ears as she tries to wrap her SSRI-addled brain around this conundrum. Frame this post in the Louvre.

What else is happening on this ridiculous website?

#2) Actual Satan is posting Facebook memes from 2010

Ah, very cool!

An account literally called “Satan,” filling up the Bluesky Discover page with the most cringe Facebook-coded memes you’ve ever seen.

Guys, when I tell you this platform is Hell…I’m not being facetious.

The Devil himself is posting eye-roll-inducing memes of frowny-face parfaits, and instead of recognizing this for the sick torture that it is, these damned souls on Bluesky are eating it up like a bunch of sloppy piglets.

MAKE. IT. STOP!!!

Speaking of hellish torture that will burn your eyes:

#3) Whatever you do, don’t fucking search “shower” on Bluesky

It began innocently enough.

A query from Solana in the Pirate Wires Slack, wondering what Blueskyers were saying about Trump’s recent executive order on shower pressure regulations.

(Which the President issued just two hours after we published a banger on that very topic btw (no big deal)).

While X was having a genuinely fascinating discussion about the history of Congress throttling shower pressure, and how these regulations actually ended up doing more harm than good (seriously, go read our piece about it) — we were all curious to know how the low-flow conversation was playing out over on the more miserable version of X. Surely a bunch of pee-pee tape, “golden shower” jokes?

What we found was something far more alarming…and not even related to Trump’s executive order at all.

New ops guru Max was the first to make the regrettable mistake.

He sounded the alarm bell, desperately sending out a warning to his fellow pirates in hopes that maybe — just maybe — they wouldn’t make the same fateful error, and their retinas would be spared the cruel punishment:

But it was too late.

Many of us had indeed already searched “shower” on Bluesky.

And what we discovered is frankly far too jarring to be printed in this column. In fact, our lawyers have advised us against doing so.

But just trust us here...do NOT search “shower.”

(Better yet — don’t log on to this miserable website at all!)

Last but not least, we close with everyone’s favorite recurring segment:

#4) Stephen King continues to try out comedy

Yes, hello? Maine Nursing Home Services? This man right here:

Seriously…

What even is this???

I never got around to downloading my “Alzheimer’s translator” browser extension tool, so if anyone knows WTF this old bat is saying, do feel free to let me know in the comments.

Catch you all next time — my weekly ritual torture continues unabated.

(I mean it…do NOT search “shower”!)

—Riley Nork