[Our story opens with a disheveled, unconscious man slowly waking up on a liquor- and urine-soaked couch. Empty bottles of Jameson are strewn about the room and he clearly hasn’t bathed in some time. As the man blinks his bleary eyes — wincing in hungover agony with each movement — our narrator (imagine a Morgan Freeman voice) (the real one) (we’ll explain) begins to set the scene…]

It had been 7 days since Riley first logged on to Bluesky to write his new column for Pirate Wires — a series examining what all the stupid people who left X are complaining about these days.

In the time since — after he had read Stephen King’s latest attempt at a “joke” on that abominable website — Riley was driven to a week-long bender.

A man can only read so many deranged opinions from Kara Swisher before requiring Amy Winehouse-levels of alcohol.

After finally waking up from his stupor in a haze, it dawns on Riley that he has sobered up just in time to log back on again and write the next edition of the weekly Bluesky column. His heart sinks.

“Please…

…for the love of God…

…just no more airport jokes…”

.

[alright you can stop the Morgan Freeman voice now if you want]

This week saw no shortage of material for users over on The Other Side™ of the internet to both Bluecry about (ongoing deportations, tariff “Liberation Day”) and Bluecheer about (Marine Le Pen convicted, liberal Wisconsin judge elected).

Here were some of the “highlights” (if you define “highlights” as “reasons to keep this cursed site blocked on your browser for eternity”):

#1. Hillary Clinton joined (phew)

The wait is over, folks.

The effortlessly authentic social media queen who gave us timeless hits like “Happy birthday to this future president” and “You’re so much more than Kenough, Barbie” is now officially on Bluesky, as she put her charisma to work getting out the vote in this week’s Wisconsin Supreme Court election.

How much can we attribute the eventual victory of the liberal candidate to the efforts of (famous winner) Hillary making this half-assed post on the preferred platform of her fellow Resistance Libs? Unclear.

But one thing’s for sure: Hillary’s definitely found her spiritual social media match. Bluesky users like *checks notes* Flavor Flav (???) immediately welcomed her to the platform faster than you can say “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

#Flaverification, indeed.

#2. Furries are celebrating Trans Day of Visibility

Because of course they are!

While the trans “holiday” this week may have barely registered for X users, it was a whole ass trending topic over on Bluesky, where user @zenocoyote evidently celebrated his/her/its/not-even-gonna-guess-here’s transition from a boy wolf in a Korn T-shirt to a girl wolf with huge tits.

Nice, Zeno!

It wasn’t all cheerful this holiday season, though. Others like user Robert Evans (the Only Robert Evans) used the occasion to issue a trans call-to-arms.

All I’m saying is if you start hearing reports about purple-haired-trans militias, don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Hey, speaking of threats from unhinged trans people:

#3. Esqueer Caraballo declares democracy over

You had a good run, American democracy — but in the eyes of trans civil rights attorney/Harvard cyberlaw clinic instructor/pro-censorship activist Alejandra “Esqueer” Caraballo… you are officially dead.

Here she is making the pronouncement:

Do you understand the moment we’re in, guys??

Esqueer does, and she’s clearly embracing it with calmness and rationality. Thank goodness for our guides here on Bluesky telling us those DOGE spending cuts aren’t actually just spending cuts, but rather the total and final end to the system of government our country has enjoyed for the past 250 years.

As for what “fix” Esqueer suggests for the “problem” we currently face — given that she rules out courts and elections? It’s unclear. But if I were to take a guess, I bet it aligns pretty nicely with the hordes of leftists currently firebombing Tesla charging stations.

Hey — at least she’s not a doomer, though.

Finally:

#4. Fake Morgan Freeman wants Trump arrested

Alright my zoomer might be showing on this one, but bear with me…

So everyone knows Morgan Freeman, right? Shawshank Redemption? Bruce Almighty? Imaginary narrator for this column’s intro?

Well apparently, there’s also a Morgan J. Freeman in Hollywood, who directed movies like 1998’s Desert Blue and American Psycho 2.

(Right? News to me, too.)

And in addition to having Resting “Might Drug Your Drink” Face (seriously, Google him), Morgan J. also just so happens to be one of Bluesky’s biggest users with over 350,000 followers.

How’d he get so popular? Well, with a never-ending stream of posts like the one you see below, using news of Marine Le Pen’s conviction in France as a call for Trump’s arrest here at home.

You tell ‘em, Morgan J.

Because nothing says “turn down the temperature” like “arrest the President”.

(which they already tried, btw) (dozens of times) (still trying…?)

Anyways, that’ll have to do for this week’s edition. I’ll leave you with a boomer Bluesky meme from Morgan J. that even Stephen King would approve of:

See you next week for another round of Hell.

—Riley Nork

Feature image — Goldenen Kamera 2012