Remember the pre-Elon Twitter days? When you didn’t have to read comments from AryanButtholeGroyper69 about Jewish physiognomy, but still had to deal with the equally offensive prospect of reading takes from Mark Cuban? Whatever happened to idiots like Mark anyways?

Sadly, his ilk didn’t all fall off the face of the Earth. They’ve just flown to Bluesky. And though most of our readers had the common sense to not join them in that neurotic wasteland of a website, it’s still important to keep abreast of other platforms for a complete read of culture at any given moment. So, as your trusted sherpas through the strange and confusing world of today’s social media landscape, we’re here to fill you in on all the insanity you may be missing.

Below: the first edition of a new recurring Pirate Wires column in which we engage in the strictest form of torture known to man spend a little time on Bluesky, filling you in on all the things people there are crying about. Proceed with caution, and please, if possible — hold a little sympathy in your heart for the mentally ill.

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In general, the conversation on Bluesky is heavily weighted towards politics — as you might expect on a platform that most users flocked to for political reasons. While the conversation on X is occasionally dominated by non-political topics (Studio Ghibli or DoorDash/Karna memes, for example), on Bluesky, it’s all politics all the time.

In particular, a few notable patterns were identified during this top-secret, behind-the-scenes investigation:

#1. Kara Swisher and Scott Galloway are Losing Their Absolute Minds

It’s true.

Each visit to Bluesky’s Discover page is sort of like a fun little game where you get to see which half of the Pivot Podcast is more in need of Valium at any given moment.

Sometimes, it’s Kara “I interviewed Elon five years ago!” Swisher, who spends her days on Bluesky obsessing over that guy, desperately shouting into the void about just how much of a “jackass” said guy is.

Other times it’s Scott “Arrest Big Balls NOW!” Galloway, whose latest beat has been pinning all of society’s ills on “the sociopathy of tech CEOs” who turned evil because they “did not get laid enough as young men” (he tells us this as a way of promoting his new blog post about porn).

And hey — all of this would be fine and dandy if these were one-off posts. Popping off from time to time about the people we hate is one of social media’s cherished pastimes.

But doing so all day (which they do)? Incessantly? To their little echo chambers? Beyond fan behavior, it borders on grounds for a restraining order.

Unless reading the unhinged rants of these two Elon-obsessed, anti-tech tech podcasters 24/7 is your thing, it’s probably for the best you never got around to making that Bluesky account.

#2. Canadians Are Triggered, Issuing Strange Threats

How are Bluesky’s Canadian users reacting to the ongoing tariff battle and Trump’s 51st state barbs? Not well.

See Exhibit Eh below — a Canadian’s response to a post by Mark Cuban, which claims that our northern neighbors are allegedly avoiding U.S. vacations en masse to protest Trump’s policies (*gasp* say it isn’t so!).

Wtf does “elbows up” mean here, you ask? I don’t speak Bluesky or Canadian either, so I Googled.

Apparently, it refers to the physical playing style of Canadian hockey great Gordie Howe. Recently, Canadians have adopted the phrase as something of a rallying cry in reaction to perceived “threats” coming from the Trump Administration. Because nothing is more intimidating than a Canadian on Bluesky.

That’s not all. Others on Bluesky are alleging that Tesla owners are currently being profiled by Canadian immigration officials — and the Bluesky-ers are celebrating it:

A bunch of mounties accosting some dude because he dared to make an environmentally conscious decision with his choice in automobile? So *hilarious*, Mr. Beda. You guys are really making a difference. Sad we won’t be seeing you at Disney World this year!

(Please Trump, just annex this stupid country already, FFS).

#3: Stephen King is Workshopping the Worst F*cking Jokes You’ve Ever Read In Your Life

Last but not least, we have… well frankly, we don’t know what we have with this phenomenon (other than some sort of digital Silver Alert).

Seriously — what the f*ck is this??

Or this???

Or this?!?!?

OR THIS???

Don’t believe him. He won’t stop now.

Not until his caretaker performs a gracious act of mercy and changes the WiFi password.

The most offensive part, though?

HOW ARE THERE 44 THOUSAND PEOPLE ON BLUESKY TO BEGIN WITH!

MUCH LESS 44 THOUSAND WHO ARE LIKING STEPHEN KING’S PATHETIC JOKE ABOUT F*CKING AIRPORTS!!!

Enough.

This website is a mockery of all that is sacred.

That’ll have to do for this edition of “torture Riley by making him become our new Bluesky correspondent” “it’ll be a fun column” “he can write it in his zany style 🤪.”

I’m going back to the X racists I know and love (and grabbing a drink).

—Riley Nork