“Are we dating the same guy?” was once something you’d ask a friend over brunch. It was in-person, it was quiet. And, in the era of analog dating, that might have been enough. But when OkCupid, Hinge, Tinder and Bumble got involved, the sheer profusion of dates, and the interpersonal dynamics of dating that come with it, exploded.

In response, a new digital whisper network has emerged in the form of “Are We Dating The Same Guy” (AWDTSG) Facebook groups. These groups began to appear in 2022 when Paola Sanchez launched the first one in New York, and have since spread around the world, attracting millions of highly engaged members.

The demand for the groups stems from the broad social need they meet. Far from just a place where women go to check for romantic conflicts of interest, the groups serve as a community where they can get advice and connect. But maybe most importantly, members share experiences of violence and abuse committed by men they’ve dated.

Here’s how it works. You’ve just had a date with a guy who seemed a little too perfect — charismatic, funny, and even sent a “got home safe?” text. But something doesn’t sit quite right. So, you open the Facebook group, post his photo and first name and share your initial experience.

The responses might be harmless — “Met him on Bumble last year! Seemed nice, just not my vibe.” They might be frustrating — “Went out on a great date, then made plans for next Tuesday and he never showed.” Sometimes, it’s a watercooler bombshell: “omg, he ghosted me and started dating my co-worker who found out he has two other girlfriends!” But sometimes they’re deadly serious.

Emma (not her real name) went to the police after her ex-boyfriend had been sexually violent and dissuaded her from seeking medical attention for STDs he gave her. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, she told Pirate Wires that finding other women her ex abused gave her the confidence to pursue a police case. Turns out, he had a decade-long history of abuse with other women. She was able to reach out privately to other alleged victims through the group and file charges together. The case is currently ongoing.

“Before that, I struggled to empathize with myself and what had happened to me — I would minimize it, make it my fault,” she said. “But hearing about him doing the same to other women made it so clear that it wasn’t just me. It wasn’t my fault. That it was very wrong, and that he needed accountability.”

Emma, who believes her case was mishandled by the police, said she found relief in being able to warn other women in the group: “It gave me a sense of agency and control over a very difficult situation.”

Christine (who didn’t want her real name used for fear of retribution) was abused so badly by her then-boyfriend that she was hospitalized for months. It wasn’t until she joined several “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups that she discovered her abusive ex was the focus of highly commented-on posts. “It made me feel like I wouldn’t be alone in voicing my experience and that I was less likely to be branded with those horrible accusations of being a vengeful ex,” she told Pirate Wires. A number of other women abused and even hospitalized by the same man came forward to testify in Christine’s case, which until that point had languished in police limbo.

Before finding each other, many of these women thought no one would believe them. Together, they were able to establish a pattern of behavior.

While the groups are empowering for many women, they’ve had the opposite effect for many of the men. Posts can spark confrontations when they make their way back to the men in question. Men report derailed careers and lost promotions, and some have taken legal action.

In 2024, 32-year-old salesman Nikko D’Ambrosio brought a class-action lawsuit against 27 women in the Chicago Facebook Group, Paola Sanchez, and Meta. D’Ambrosio alleged that harassing messages in the group violated his privacy by using his name and photos, and is reportedly seeking $75 million for reputational damage and doxxing. As it happens, Illinois’ new anti-doxxing law came into effect earlier this year and is meant to combat the release of personally identifying information with the intent to harm or harass. This suit will test that law.

In D’Ambrosio’s case, the grievances against him weren’t that he was a danger to others. Rather, women complained of him being clingy or ghosting after sleeping with them. One woman even wrongly linked him to a criminal sexual assault charge. The lawsuit alleges unspecified “lost earnings,” “emotional distress” and “impairment of reputation” due to false statements “published with actual malice,” potentially risking “death, bodily injury, or stalking.” However, Meta moved to dismiss the claim citing D’Ambrosio’s failure to “itemize his losses or plead specific damages.” The case is still ongoing.

The Los Angeles Facebook group is embroiled in a similar legal battle, a $2.6 million lawsuit over an initial allegation that the plaintiff, 49-year-old Stewart Lucas Murrey, was rude during a call. Murrey said this led to a pile-on of other women sharing their own allegedly negative experiences, culminating in claims he was a murder suspect in a case involving his ex-wife. 

Murrey, who said he was never even married, claimed similar damages to D’Ambrosio and said the group’s female-only structure prevented him from defending himself. Murrey is suing the original poster, alongside over 50 other women who responded with their own claims. However, a Los Angeles judge granted one of the women an anti-SLAPP motion, which allows the dismissal of lawsuits designed to chill free speech.

“Most women who use Facebook’s AWDTSG groups have no interest in protecting women,” Murrey told Pirate Wires. “Instead these women are addicted to taking pleasure in the pain of others. This includes a Schadenfreude in regard to others whom these women unconsciously perceive to be of greater value than themselves.”

Matthew Napier of Wadsworth, Ohio, also chose to sue. He was called “pushy,” “creepy,” and “weird” and claimed the group violated its rules by sharing information about his work and family. “They looked at my LinkedIn and they saw my previous employer and they looked it up, who the head of HR was, and they posted her information, her phone number and email address and told everyone to call,” he told a local news channel.

“We’ve had men call us saying they’ve been put on administrative leave, that they lost their job, that they didn’t get promoted,” said D’Ambrosio’s lawyer Marc Trent, arguing that Meta should take more responsibility for these groups instead of using Section 230 as cover.

But it’s not just men who find the groups damaging. “I had to leave the group,” wrote Reddit user kvenzx. “When it’s used for its original intended purpose (exposing cheaters, sexual predators, etc.), I think it’s wonderful but I haven’t seen it used that way . . . I’ve seen women post these men and say bad things about them, only to realize they were confusing his lack of interest with him being a shitty person.”

Another Reddit user, WineNHighHeels, echoed this sentiment: “It was alot [sic] of bashing, multiple pictures and personal information . . . I left because it was too much crap and felt more like mean girls than anything else.”

But Emma told Pirate Wires the anger is justified. “Women have the right to be angry, and maybe part of that is being vindictive on a Facebook group exclusively for women,” she explained. “I don’t think that’s a big deal in a world where . . . women can’t walk home at night and feel safe or have to watch their drink in case it gets spiked.”

It’s hard to deny these groups perform a valuable service for many women. They have helped avoid dangerous first dates, allowed one woman to track a deadbeat father and finalize a divorce, and helped build legal cases against violent serial predators. Ultimately, the question is whether the women saved from potential danger outweigh the harm to the men who are falsely accused, doxxed, or targeted by petty grievances.

—Katherine Brodsky