Trump signed an executive order targeting “Woke AI” this week, ensuring all models procured by the federal government prioritize “truthfulness and ideological neutrality.” Critics (the NYT) immediately cried hypocrisy, citing Republican furor over Democrats censoring posts about Covid, but we’re comparing apples to oranges here, people — a global censorship apparatus designed to prevent Americans from speaking is… a bit different than the government declining to pay for a product that claims George Washington was black. Personally, this order is an undeniable win-win: we ensure the tools of the future used at the highest levels of our government aren’t churning up historically retarded 1619 Project fan-fiction AND Trump gets to engage in one of his favorite pastimes — railing against wokeness on Truth Social. Knock yourself out, Don. Give Woke AI the Washington Commanders treatment and fire away those posts to your heart’s content.

In 2022, Derek Huffman, a 46-year-old American, moved his family to Russia in order to escape LGBTQ+ “indoctrination.” But a few days ago, after joining the military to earn the respect of his new countrymen, Derek was sent to the front lines in Ukraine, and unconfirmed internet reports say he’s been killed by a drone strike. Has anyone seen the comedian Ronny Chieng’s bit about boomers? “Just stay off the internet — this world is not for you anymore!” That’s how I feel about poor Derek. He could have had a 401(k), and gone camping, and taken his kids to Sunday school, and learned how to smoke a nice pork shoulder. Instead, he went on 4chan and believed that a trans person accidentally sneezing on his daughters might turn them gay. Stay vigilant out there, guys. In fact, stay off the internet entirely, and go play outside.

Joe Biden has sold his upcoming book, a memoir on his years as president, for an advance of $10 million. While a publication date hasn’t been set, Biden claims to be “working [his] tail off” despite zero anticipation from literally anyone. High society is mocking Biden’s $10M payout (markedly less than Clinton’s or Obama’s), while the masses are expecting an abomination of autopen ghostwriter slop… and this means Joe has but one choice. He CANNOT follow his predecessors’ footsteps. He cannot release a normal memoir. He must, I repeat must, release a graphic, smutty erotica in which he vividly embellishes scenes like coming home from a long night in the Situation Room to ravish Jill’s wanton bodice while thrusting betwixt her thighs. Only then can he outsell his mocking competitors, restore standing with the common people, and yes… re-unify the entire country. Godspeed, Joe.